“Nothing’s going right for me,” my son said, moping about. “I just want to be happy.” He’d had a string of difficulties recently. His friend changed schools. His relentless math teacher gave homework every night. And he had to squeeze in two more service hours before the weekend. I think it’s our default as moms to make problems go away for our kids, or at least to want to make things better. And with all the books and talk about finding happiness abounding in recent years, some kids may think if they’re not happy all the time, something’s wrong with them. If that’s the case, our kids are getting the wrong message.
Being happy all the time isn’t realistic, nor is it healthy. I want my son to know that there’ll be bumps along the way. And that’s just life! Accepting that discomfort and being able to handle it are skills that will ultimately lead him to a richer, more meaningful life. Here are 5 ways to teach kids to handle discomfort and why it’s a necessary step toward real happiness.
1. Develop their humility.
Two summers ago, my son didn’t want to join the swim team. “I’m not very good. Even the little kids pass me.” I encouraged him to do it anyway. Fast forward to this past summer and he’s leveled up to a better team. “I’m glad you kept with it,” I told him, because he really had improved. Younger kids still pass him, but he seemed happy with his improvement. And he should be! He’d developed some better strokes through the swim experience and some humility in the process too.
If a child has humility, it’s easier to bear the discomfort when things don’t go as planned. I like to say that “it’s OK to make mistakes” and that “you worked hard” to remind my kids that they don’t have to be the best to gain something in the process.
2. Help them accept the struggles.
It’s hard when your child thinks everyone in the class understands the material except her. Most often, that’s not the case. “By working hard, you’re growing your brain and getting smarter,” I said. “What comes easily for you, like reading, doesn’t come easily for everyone. We all have areas where we struggle and grow stronger because of it.”
Avoiding discomfort by not doing a difficult homework assignment is not a solution. Work with her or talk with her teacher about how you both can help. Make sure she knows that struggles are a normal part of learning something new.
3. Help them understand that stress happens.
“Yes, it’s stressful trying to talk to someone new,” I said to my son. “But if you don’t make the effort, you might miss some great opportunities.” He wanted to make new friends, but for now, the fear of putting himself out there was winning out. “Look,” I told him. “Just ask questions. Questions make people feel good and it’ll shift the attention off you and onto them.”
Risking some discomfort is necessary to achieve happiness. Try to explain to your child that the initial feelings of discomfort will give way to satisfaction once he makes that first move and a conversation with the other child begins.
4. Guide them through fears.
I had to give a speech in tenth grade and didn’t want anyone falling asleep or snickering, so I came very prepared. I practiced and practiced the night before in front of a mirror and that, along with a stack of notecards and my favorite sweater, gave me confidence. And guess what: Once I got going, I enjoyed it! It took a lot of discomfort to realize it, but giving speeches turned into a strength I didn’t know I had. Later, I even became a high school teacher, which required talking in front of large groups every single day.
How do we teach kids to handle discomfort? Don’t let fear hold them back. Sometimes we have to do hard, scary things to uncover the gifts God has given us. And often, those gifts give us true happiness and purpose in life.
5. Discuss the greater good.
Going to a new school. Starting a new sport. Working on a skill like writing or spelling. Kids will face discomfort of all sorts as they grow up. And that’s OK and normal! If your child can look at the bigger picture, such as what he’ll gain from it, it’ll help him get through.
To teach kids to handle discomfort, it’s helpful for them to know that being uncomfortable is usually temporary, and a stepping stone to something bigger and better. If your child’s too comfortable, he’s not growing. But stepping outside his comfort zone will lead to progress and much happiness once he sees how far he’s come!
To teach kids to handle discomfort, it’s helpful for them to know that being uncomfortable is usually temporary, and a stepping stone to something bigger and better. Click To TweetDo you think it’s important to teach kids to handle discomfort?
